Page Nav

HIDE

Test

content

Grid

GRID_STYLE

Right Sidebar

TO-RIGHT

PRIMA FACIE FEED:

latest

CAVEAT LECTOR: The "info drops" on this website is provided "as-is" without any professional buffs or legal-grade protection, so use it at your own risk. If you aggro a legal glitch, take splash damage, suffer a wallet-drain debuff, or encounter an AI-hallucination, the author carries zero liability and suggests you summon a professional healer immediately.

[UNLOCK THE ANCIENT TOME OF DISCLAIMERS]



Barotrauma: Cheap, Leaky, and Deadly - The Best Tier 1 Submarines


Welcome to Europa, where the water pressure is high, the medical bills are legally unrecoverable, and your immediate supervisors are indistinguishable from a cult of parasitic alien barnacles.

As a freshman crew navigating the absolute baseline of Tier 1 submersibles, you are likely operating under a profound statistical illusion in the belief that you will survive the next twenty (20) minutes. Pursuant to the standard waivers signed at the Cold Caverns, management holds no liability for loss of limb, loss of sanity, or accidental consumption of lithium by your resident Assistant.

To mitigate corporate liability, I have officially reviewed the Top 3 Tier 1 Submarines available on the market. Let the record reflect that "best" is defined here as "most likely to function as an airtight coffin rather than a porous sieve."

I. The Dugong: The Default Plea Deal

If the law school had a law student who hasn't slept in forty-eight (48) hours, it would be the Dugong. It’s small, it’s unpretentious, and it is the universal baseline of Europan maritime suffering.

The Merits: The Dugong’s greatest mechanical asset is its absolute lack of spatial complexity. Because the ship is basically a single hallway with a steering wheel attached, your bots won't get lost, and your mechanic only needs to sprint five (5) meters to patch the gaping hole a Moloch just punched through the hull. It has decent turret coverage, meaning your security team can actually shoot things before they become internal tenants.

The Liability: Exhibiting gross negligence by design, the manufacturer failed to include a Fabricator or Deconstructor. This means any attempt to craft items or recycle trash requires a literal docking procedure at an outpost. Furthermore, the upper airlock configuration represents a structural attractive nuisance. If a Crawler wants to break in, it does not need to consult legal counsel, it simply enters via the roof, rendering the command room a blood-soaked deposition chamber within seconds.

II. The Orca: The Corporate Upgrade

Are you tired of feeling like a peasant? Do you want your inevitable death to occur surrounded by slightly more aesthetic fiberglass casing? Enter the Orca, a Scout sub that dares to ask: "What if we gave them manufacturing power, but absolutely no electrical stability?"

The Merits: The Orca introduces the holy grail of campaign progression, which is the onboard fabrication. You can finally turn old copper wires and alien blood into usable ammunition and morphine without asking an NPC for permission. It also features a decent vertical speed burst and a discharge coil, allowing you to zap anything trying to play grab-ass with your lower ballast tanks.

The Liability: Let's must direct the opposing counsel's attention to Exhibit GG: The Reactor. The Orca’s electrical grid functions as a systematic arson generator. The moment your Captain pulls a full speed ahead on the navigation terminal, the resulting voltage spike will systematically explode every junction box on the ship. Furthermore, the layout features a labyrinthine zigzag design. In the event of a catastrophic flood, navigating from the engine room to the bridge requires three flights of stairs, two hatches, and a prayer to the Honkmother, violating every reasonable maritime evacuation standard in the galaxy.

III. The Camel: The Bulk Freight Exemption

If your business model focuses entirely on transporting toxic minerals and explosive crates from Point A to Point B while actively pretending the local fauna does not exist, the Camel is your designated corporate workhorse.

The Merits: The Camel is thick. It has an immense amount of cargo storage, allowing you to stack transport missions and rack up serious marks early in the campaign. It also comes equipped with a medical fabricator and an onboard research station, turning your bottom-tier submarine into a floating laboratory/sweatshop. If you have a well-coordinated crew, you can farm money faster than any other starter ship.

The Liability: The defense rests entirely on the fact that the Camel is structurally blind. The top-right and bottom-left quadrants of the vessel constitute a total blind spot, creating a legally actionable failure to maintain a proper lookout. If a Tiger Thresher decides to attack from the rear, your railgunners can do nothing but file an internal complaint while the ballast tanks slowly fill with Europan sea water. It drives like a brick tied to a wet mattress, ensuring that any attempts to dodge an oncoming abyssal creature will result in immediate, unmitigated structural failure.

IV. The Verdict

Choose the Dugong if you enjoy the classics and don't mind living like a tenant in a condemned apartment building.

Choose the Orca if you want to craft your own items and enjoy playing "Identify the Electrical Fire" every five minutes.

Choose the Camel if you want to maximize profits while accepting the high statistical probability that you will be blind-sided and eaten by a giant shrimp.

Certiorari ad Ludum

No comments