Welcome to the abyss, where the water is cold, the pressure is literal, and your crewmates are your biggest liability. Whether you're here to fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming a high-protein monster feed or you're just trying to outrun a Subpoena for Gross Incompetence, Barotrauma is about managing chaos while your submarine slowly fills with water. Success requires a delicate balance of technical skill, a lack of self-preservation, and enough plausible deniability to ensure that when the reactor inevitably melts down, the blame always falls on the Assistant. Without further ado, strap in and check your oxygen, because 10% of this manual is actual "submarine 101" and the other 90% is basically just nonsense.
1. Suit-Up or Spectate
The suit is the only thing standing between you and a very embarrassing death log in the server chat. Always know where your suit is. If you find yourself in a flooded compartment without one, you have effectively waived your right to remain breathing. Because, the abyss does not offer refunds on crushed lungs, always verify the operational depth of your diving suit before every mission. Failure to do so constitutes a waiver of your right to remain in a solid state. Tip: Putting a welding tool in your suit’s oxygen slot is a great way to perform an "extrajudicial killing" of your own lungs.
2. Avoid Circuitry Malpractice
The junction boxes are the nervous system of the submarine. If they start sparking, fix them immediately. If you don't know how to wire, just start clicking things until the lights turn green or the Captain starts screaming. Treat every flickering light as a subpoena for your immediate presence in the engineering bay. Failing to provide a timely response will result in a default judgment of 'Total Systems Failure' for the entire crew. Remember: Ignorance of the circuitry is no defense against a hull breach.
3. The Reactor is Not a Toaster
If the reactor starts beeping like a microwave, it’s not because your pizza is ready, but it’s because you’re about to be "summarily dismissed" by a nuclear explosion. At this point, you should spend less time on the control panel and more time drafting your last will and testament. The fallout from your incompetence will be the only thing your surviving crew members inherit. Keep the fuel rods balanced, or you’ll find yourself in a class-action lawsuit filed by you crewmates.
4. Your Right to Remain Silent
Communication is key. Use the radio to alert the team of threats, or to baselessly accuse the Mechanic of stealing all the morphine. Do not exercise your right to remain silent over the radio because it is usually a one-way ticket to a watery grave. A crew that spends 90% of its time arguing in the chatbox is a crew that is too distracted reading and writing to realize the submarine is upside down.
5. Medical Malpractice is a Lifestyle
In the submarine's medical bay, medical malpractice is just "aggressive healing." Your primary goal is to keep the crew vertical long enough to finish the mission. Whether you do that with professional surgery or a questionable amount of narcotics is between you and the coroner. If they die, just claim they had a pre-existing condition involving a Thresher's jaw. Remember, a successful survival is the best defense against a wrongful death suit.
6. The Captain’s Word is Law?
The Captain is the ultimate authority until the submarine hits a rock. If the Captain orders you to go outside and pet a Hammerhead, feel free to file a "Motion to Quash" that order immediately. When leadership goes overboard, a well-timed change in management is the only way to avoid the entire crew's summary execution by water pressure.
7. Inventory for the Kleptomaniac
Your pockets are small, but your ambition for loot is vast. Prioritize items that keep you alive, like oxygen tanks and tools. Do not fill your inventory with 15 screwdrivers and a harmonica unless you want your estate to be settled in a "Probate of Junk."
8. Respect the Pressure
The abyss wants to turn you into a human panini. If you see a crack in the submarine hull, don't just stand there staring at it like a witness at a deposition. Weld it shut even if you are not the mechanic. If the room fills with water, always remember that "Restitution" in this game is usually measured in liters per second.
9. Identify Your Predators
Learn the difference between a Crawler and a Husk. The former wants to eat your face, while the latter wants to turn you into a parasitic zombie that violates several public health ordinances. Treat both with extreme prejudice and a high-velocity harpoon.
10. Sonar: The "Public Disclosure" Risk
Running your sonar on "Active" is like shouting your home address and social security number into a megaphone in a room full of hungry lawyers. Every monster within three kilometers now has "probable cause" to come and investigate your hull. Use directional pings or stay silent when possible. Providing "full disclosure" of your location to a Charybdis is a legal error you won't live to appeal.
11. "Discovery Phase" of Wrecks
Salvaging a shipwreck is the ultimate "finders-keepers" clause of Jovian Maritime Law. There is amazing loot inside, but there is also a 99% chance a Thresher is waiting to serve you with a "Cease and Desist" order via your ribcage. Always enter a wreck with a buddy. That way, if someone gets "discontinued" by a monster, there’s a witness to tell the tale and loot both bodies.
12. "Hostile Takeover" of Ballast Tank A
Sometimes the abyss tries to move into your ship without paying rent. Ballast Flora is essentially an invasive squatter that highjacks your pumps and tries to set the submarine. You can’t evict it with a polite letter, you have to use grenades or a plasma cutter. Think of it as a "foreclosure" where the bank uses a grenade or a flamethrower. Failure to perform a timely eviction of Ballast Flora may result in the total liquidation of the submarine's oxygen supply.
13. Looting: The "Probate" Protocol
When a crewmate dies, their inventory enters "probate" immediately. If you don't grab their ID card, tools, and loots, the abyss will "liquidate" their assets for you. Looting a fallen comrade isn't grave robbing, it's "emergency asset management" for the good of the mission.
14. The "Door Policy" of the Airlock
Opening the airlock while the sub is moving is a breach of the "Quiet Enjoyment" covenant for everyone on board. Whether there is a hull breach or none, always check the sensors or the sonar before cycling through doors especially the airlocks that's next to the submarine's hatches. The "I thought we were docked" is not a valid defense in a drowning case.
15. The "Discovery" of Alien Artifacts
Bringing an Alien Artifact on board the submarine is like inviting a "Hostile Witness" into your living room. Some will drain your power, some will start fires, and some will serve a "Mental Health Injunction" on the entire crew. Only bring artifacts inside if you have an artifact transport container.
No comments